I’ve been pondering what my first blog post should be about and my wonderful hubby suggested I use my last journal entry that I shared with him yesterday. I pray it sheds some light and blesses you…
There is something about the three week mark that makes it more real. It’s not just one more month, or even less than a month. Its officially counted in weeks. No month marks left to be ever found again to count down our leaving for training and finally Cambodia. While I am overwhelmingly excited about going and the Lords calling for us, at times I experience also the overwhelming emotions of grief over leaving all those that I love (save my hubby), our home and hometowns, comfort food, the conveniences we are used to, the comfort of knowing that 99% of the people I meet will not question why I feel the need to jog in circles around the block. I will miss the absence of any worry that I can make it to the market and back without doing something unknownst to me that is deeply offending every other person I pass on the way. I will miss…the traditions that I hold so dear to my heart. I’m going to miss the smell of the coming fall, and the crunching of autumn leaves under our feet. I’m going to miss snow at Christmas and yes, even February’s notorious unrelenting cold. I’m going to miss the warm buzz causing radiant smiles the 1st day of spring as well as the sight of the year’s first yellow tulip. I’m going to miss cool summer nights and the campfire smell that always seems to linger.
I don’t think I can overstate how much I am going to miss my family and friends. I realize that two years and 2 months will go by before we see them again, and I know that their lives will go on without us and that we will miss out on being involved in dear moments: My little sis’s college graduation. One of my best-est friend daughter’s 1st Christmas and the cuteness of her 1st birthday cake devouring. Nephews 3rd birthdays. Birthday dinners with ma and dad—my mom’s 50th. The list is endless. I will miss crying, laughing, and the mundane with all those we love.
Every time I think upon these things as the time draws nearer to leave, my heart has to ask itself and the Lord, one question: Jesus, are you worthy of my whole being? And every time, I sense the Holy Spirit’s strong presence in my soul and reveling Jesus’ worthiness and love to my mind, bringing into remembrance all that He has shown me about Himself.
When I grieve, ponder, and weigh the cost, the Holy Spirit comforts, strengthens, and guides me with a deeper knowing of the worthiness of Jesus and that the ONLY life worth living is one FULLY committed in love to HIM.
I have counted the cost in all arenas of my life, mind, and heart. Over and over again. Again, I am convinced that Jesus is by far WORTH IT ALL and the JOY and REWARD of knowing and obeying Him is far greater than any loss!
I’ve given my life to the only true King. I am not a citizen of this earth, but of Heaven. My allegiance is there alone. My life is NOT my own. I have NO rights…including to my personal comforts or even relationships. All the comforts, relationships with loved ones, health, and freedom I have experienced is only due to His ABUNDANT GRACE and His EXTRAVAGANT LOVE for me. Without Him, I (as well as you) am mere dust. Yet, He has given responsibility to His Church here in America (including Jordan and I) to support, send, and go to those He loves that has not heard His Name (Matthew 28) due to the fall of man. I am convicted by the question so often asked: “What about the people that have never heard the name of Jesus, how could God send them to Hell for not knowing Him?” I am lead to believe that the question we should be asking is “Why will people perish today, possibly destined to hell, without hearing about Jesus when God has given us abundant resources and even promises to go with us Himself to the ends of the earth?”
So, I ask that He would give me grace to fix my “eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4, NIV)
I have given the “Alpha and Omega…who was and who is and who is to come, the Almighty” (Rev 1, ESV) all authority over me—and praise Him for giving me that free will. I have given Him permission to woo me into His heart forevermore. I have said yes to whatever life or death His Spirit leads me on. For to live is Christ and to die is gain. So as long as He has me breathing in this age, I WILL CHOOSE to DIE DAILY to myself, so I may by His GRACE gain more and more in Him and bring GLORY to His Name. Beloved, we truly have all we could ever yearn for and all we will ever need…and more in Jesus. We lack NOTHING in Him. It is truly for the JOY set before us.
Many blessings and grace
With love as a sister in Christ,
Sarah 🙂
